1 of 90 in 90

I went to my first of 90 NA meetings today and I must admit that I was wrong.  Way wrong.  For me to truly recover I have been advised to share, not just take a seat and listen.   I arrived early and helped set up the room and offered to read the “Why We Are Here” piece.  It hit home.  I knew God has led me there and I was at the right place.  I’ve been to church before, but never have I experienced anything like what I did today.  I had a stronger sense of knowing that others knew exactly how I felt.  They knew “Why We Are Here” by heart.  Word for Word.  I need to memorize the Serenity prayer and read the NA books daily as a start in addition to my other daily devotions.

I wasn’t sure what to share at first. Blogging is one thing. speaking is another.  But once I started to speak, it just came out.  Don’t remember exactly what I said, but it came from the heart.  I  explained how i have failed trying to recover my way, and that I am tired of failing.  I went on to recognize that I need help and the need to follow the path others have followed in NA is the way to go and I am open to doing things their way and get out of my own way trying to rationalize ad analyze things.  And then, after I was done, I felt relieved.  Relieved until I listened to other testimonies.

The first young lady expressed how her anger has led her down the road of addiction but she’s not using.  She also related with me that her way was not the way to recovery, trying to do things on her own, refusing help, refusing to let go of her control on life and to let God work his way with her.  A little long winded, but I got what she was saying.  I felt what she was saying.

Next young lady expressed struggles at work and admitted to fear of leaving.  She expressed the importance of doing away with fear and fearing God and have faith.  She too resisted the urges to use after being clean for over 7 years!  A gentleman spoke giving props to two other users he’d known since the 80’s and he pointed out how great they looked compared to him and how they were his role models.  I had to agree in my head and saw the effects of drugs, its lifestyle and the toll it takes on someone’s appearance.

Then the moment came when I had to bury my head in my shirt.  The woman that followed him was on more drugs than I have ever used and still didn’t user despite her environment and circumstances. I got teary eyed and noticed I was the only one being effected that way.  It sort of pissed me

I felt ashamed that I ain’t nearly been in her situation and she still has the strength not use even enough she thinks about it all the time like i have. she was more of an inspiration to me than i bargained for.